I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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