If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
