Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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