did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
is swine flu sexually transmttd?
Ha no, why?
sriously ive never had a hangovr this bad
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
