You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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