he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
