Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Randomize
