I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
