textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Randomize
