I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
