I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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