So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
