went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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