I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
wanna go halves on a baby?
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize