Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
