I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
