drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize