Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
