i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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