When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
