he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
