The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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