I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
So vagazzling was a success
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
