so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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