Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
My boob is missing a layer of skin
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
