He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
What drink are we having for lunch?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
