we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize