you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I know her cup size but not her name....
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