Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
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