My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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