I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
