Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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