It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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