I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
