Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Randomize
