I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize