I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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