I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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