i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Randomize