so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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