I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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