im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
