today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
