I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Dear god my vagina.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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