My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
