Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
