Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
