god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
you win again, gameday.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
