no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
