and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
