i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
