i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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