1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
This is not my ceiling
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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