I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize