apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize