but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
