I could make wine with my vomit
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
What a dumb baby whore.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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