I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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