My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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