yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
