She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Randomize
