Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
