A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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