How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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