Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
he quoted the bible to break up with me
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
