i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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