Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Randomize
