I never want to see another naked old woman again.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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