no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I had to cum in my sink.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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