Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
