i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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